Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Holy Mision

    Today's offering is an action packed film, full of guns, comedy, and an unique mission taken on by two brothers.

     Taking place in a very Irish Boston neighborhood, the McManus brothers are two of a kind. Gruff, rough, don't take sh*t of of anyone, find themselves as saviors. When the mob comes to town and tries to take over. the brothers take it upon themselves to do whatever it takes to rid the world of them. Armed with faith that what they are doing is right, amazing luck, and a crap ton of bullets. 
     After taking down two Russian mob members, the brothers are tailed by the very talented, and openly gay FBI agent Paul Smecker. Smecker is part of the organized crime dept of the fbi, and has the ability to solve crimes simply by looking at subtle evidence at a crime scene. If the brother want to stay free this is not the guy they want on their tail.

     Interestingly enough though, Smecker seems to have interesting motives in figuring out who the vigilantes cleaning up the streets are.
     There are several well known cameos in this film, and its almost worth it for the "hey I know that guy" feeling you get watching the film. Good action. Great story. Worth watching more than once. And a prayer that is almost as addictive as the movie itself. (also Willem Defoe in drag is the funniest thing ever).

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

No F*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated

     Welcome back to another installment of No F*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated, the little section where we discuss why a movie had no right to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. And by we discuss- I mean I gripe.

     In the spirit of this weeks semi theme, today's offering is District 9. Nominated for best picture in 2010, this Faux Documentary, for lack of better terms, left much to be desired in my eyes. In all honesty, the dvd cover is probably the best part of the entire movie. 
     First the story of the movie, before I start into my rant. One day a rather gigantic alien craft enters earths atmosphere, and does nothing. After sitting for a while, the government cracks it open and finds a bunch of starving aliens inside. They take them to down to the planet, help them get back to health, and when the novelty of the newcomers wears off, all the aliens are rounded up and placed in a controlled ghetto area, not unlike than a concentration camp, headed up by the almost laughably named Multi-National United, a corporation that seems to exist only to control the alien population, without passing the guilt on to the average man.  
     One day a hidden lab is discovered in one of the aliens houses, and all basic shit breaks loose. a vial is discovered which the corporation goons assume is a weapon of some type, it opens and gets sprayed in the face of our john every man main character, and he starts slowly transforming into one of the extraterrestrials (I got bored with saying alien). Now he is dependent on the aliens to fix him, but his transformation gives him the ability to use their technology, so enter the government cover-up to imprison him and find a way to use their tech. this is as far as I will describe the movie, because I am actually boring myself thinking about it.
Mr. Protagonist and an alien discuss fondue, not really, but it would have been more interesting.

     Now time for me to start.
     1.) with the cover to the dvd/blu-ray disc, one gets the misleading feeling that the aliens have voluntarily set up a settlement on earth, and were establishing a basic point of "this is our damn spot stay the f-word out". This is however not the case, seems humans run rampant throughout the alien territory, and if this corporation gave a rats ass (or the governments for that matter), they would have kept the warlords and religious fanatic humans out, or gone in and pulled them out, being that they were STOCKPILING FREAKING ALIEN WEAPONS.
     2.) I don't really see a reason that the aliens couldn't have fixed their ship while they were in it, being as the only needed parts to fix it were in the trash in the camp. 
    3.) Being as the ship has been floating for MONTHS when we are brought into the movie, you mean to tell me they didn't have the power to send down a shuttle to get what they needed off the ground?
    4.) On a ship that big the aliens had only one emergency shuttle? For an advanced civilization, there engineering department seems to suck ass in the emergency planning phase.
    5.) A little trash juice in the face is all it took to make Mr. protagonist an alien hybrid. So in the entire time on the planet, no human has come in contact with alien trash juice?
    6.) One thing you might find interesting, a gigantic stockpile of alien weapons, is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN CAMP. So if the aliens wanted, equal treatment, freedom, or to squash the groups around them, taking advantage of them, all they had to do was snag a few of their weapons from the warlords in the middle of their damn camp and they would have been unstoppable. Thing is, two of them with weapons not only escaped from one of the most secure buildings in the country where they were, they took out  a WHOLE DAMN ARMY.
     There is a tremendous amount of other problems, but I wont go into it much further, because it only makes me wonder what the script writer, director, and producers were smoking, and can I get some. 
You may ask "Were there any good points to the movie?" The answer surprisingly is, yes. The special effects were great. Some of the best I have ever seen. The acting was above par, believable in every sense, and the characters made you feel the story. Also the ending was great. Don't misunderstand me. What I mean by that is, "The movie ended. Great, now I can go enjoy something."
     But I say cautiously, watching the movie was a very underwhelming experience. Special effects not included, there was nothing that really stood out. The story was a weak parallel of apartheid, and basically says that even when we know that we are not alone in the universe, humans will still be racist cockwads, even to a superior race that has the ability to wipe us out if they chose to do so.

Something Unique

     I have decided this week that I will focus on action movies. However I will be exploring a range of action movies.
     This of course brings me to today's movie......

    Cocolate (a Thai film directed by  Prachya Pinkaew) is about a young autistic girl named Zen, who has an uncanny reflexes, and the ability to copy any martial art she sees. 
     Zen is the daughter of Zin, a Thai mobster and former girlfriend of the mob boss, and a Japanese gangster named Masashi. Angered by their relationship the mob boss banishes Masashi to Japan, And forbids them to ever have contact again.  
     Soon after Zin moves to hide from the mob, finds out that she is pregnant with Masashis baby. Nine months later, Zen is born, and not long after, she is diagnosed as autistic. Zin writes a letter to contact Masashi a letter to let him know he has a daughter, the mob boss finds out, finds her and cuts off one of her toes to remind her she is not supposed to contact him. 
     As zen grows up, she starts exhibiting strange talents, a big heart, and the uncanny ability to copy any martial art she sees. The mother daughter pair wind up taking in a fat boy by the name of Moom, to watch over Zen.
     Later in life Mom Zin winds up with cancer, and needing money for chemotherapy, Moom takes Zen out as a street performer, using her amazing reflexes as a gimmick by throwing balls at her, and she will catch them no matter where they come from.

     One day by accident, Moom runs across a ledger of Mom Zin's, of people who owe her money, and he gets the idea to go collect it from them so that they can buy her chemo,  which turns out to be a much harder job than he thought, and Zin winds up becoming an enforcer, if by accident alone.

     The fight scenes in this movie are groundbreaking, visually stunning, and some of the flat out most entertaining things I have ever seen in my life. It is almost impossible not to connect with Zen, you want nothing more than for her to succeed, and you wind up rooting for her with everything you are. The story is wonderfully told, and I am afraid to say, that my synopsis does the film no justice. 
     Watch it for the action, enjoy it for the story, love it for the amazing choreography and edge of you seat fight scenes.(one of best of which is on the ledges of an Thailand apartment building). But most of all, watch it, because as action movies go, it is a great movie period.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Not Really A Movie

     Occasionally I run across something so life changing, so entertaining, so influential, that while it may not be an actual movie, its worth taking the time to watch. (see my review of Terry Pratchett Choosing To Die). this video however, is not one of those things. I saw it and laughed for 10 minutes straight. My youngest cant get enough of it. so here it all its "glory".........GOING TO THE STORE

Another actual review due tomorrow.

The Biggest Grouping of Action Heros Ever

     Today's review is going to be short and sweet, not because I am being lazy, but because there is not much that I need to say about this movie.

     Not that this is a bad thing. The above picture says more about this movie than I ever could. Literally a multimedia orgasm of action, there are few moments that are not completely filled with bullets, knives, or fists flying. 
     Truth is that there was a little bit of depth missing in the story line, but I didn't watch this movie, expecting a cinematic novella.
I mean look at this lineup. They aren't here to do Shakespeare. 

     I will say there is one very short section of the movie, a cameo by a very well known actor (that I refuse to name due to the fact that it would seriously ruin the surprise) that is every guy that loves action movies wet dream.
     One area for improvement i think, would have been to develop the character relationship between Statham and Rourke a little more. they had a chemistry that was ignored for the most part.

     Watch it for the action. Watch it over and over again. Buy it its worth it.


Monday, August 22, 2011

A New Segment

     Today I am going to introduce a new segment I like to call.......

NoF*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated
     First up is a gem of classic Disney animation that we all know as Beauty and The Beast. The reason I chose this as the flagship movie for this segment is the fact that in 1991 it received 6 Oscar nominations including best picture. Personally I think this should not have been the case. 
     While beautifully put together, well animated with a touching story, there were far to many what I consider mistakes in story line, plot, and resolutions to the story. This removes the possibility of a best picture award of any type in my eyes.
      And now, ta-da, the list of glaring problems.
     1.) Set in France during the early days of the kingdom, I find it interesting that no one in the country speaks with a french accent. That is right, no one, save a candlestick. It is also interesting that The Beast (who is the crown prince of France) does not have a french accent either. On another note, it seems a little funny to me that no one has any clue that the royal family lives in the big f*cking castle up the road.
     2)The story in the movie is about how The Beast must find true love before he turns twenty years old, when the final petal will drop from a magical rose, or he will die. This is due to the fact that 10 years earlier, an enchantress put a curse on him, because he would not let her into the palace during a storm. she viewed him as greedy and hard hearted, so she deemed this necessary. The boy was 10 yo. This woman cursed a 10 yo. A 10 yo was "greedy" in her eyes.

     3.) But that brings us to our next point WHY THE F*CK WAS THE 10 YO CROWN PRINCE OPENING THE DOOR ON A STORMY NIGHT? Where the f*ck were the king and queen? Where the f*ck were the palace guards? Did I mention he was 10?
     4.) There is more, but i will close off with this last MAJOR plot error.  Fact: all the furniture in the palace was formerly the servants of the palace. Now one very deep scene in the movie really lets us feel the anger and pure rage The Beast has inside, when Belle (the heroine) comes upon a room where the beast in a rage has destroyed furniture dishes curtains, you name it it was destroyed.
     Soooo... you may have an idea as to what i am hinting at, but you may still be wrong. When everyone has been turned back into humans, can you imagine the horrific bloody mess in that room. Arms and legs flayed about everywhere. Blood sprayed on all the walls. Anyone still surviving screaming in anguish as they bleed out. 

     Highly entertaining, well animated, wonderfully scored movie that my children have loved. Did i enjoy the movie? Yes. Did it deserve the best movie nomination? No.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today

     If you are like me, these words bring back fond memories. Reminds me of a time when movies were not so budget heavy. A time when you may find a small budget film to be as entertaining as a high dollar "blockbuster".

     Clerks is the story of a man by the name of Dante, your average joe, stuck in a rut. Same thing day in day out. We are introduced to him, passed out halfway in his closet, being woken up by his boss calling him into work on his day off. For me at least the laughs start there.

    Everything you could possibly imagine goes wrong right from the beginning for poor Dante, the shutters of the Quick Stop convenience store he works at are stuck closed. Insane customer after insane customer come in making his day horrible. The worst part is, this all happens not thirty minutes after he has been open. The one saving grace of his day, and I use that term loosely as possible, is his best friend Randal works (if that is what you want to call it) next door.

     I really don't want to ruin too much of this movie for you, but in every way shape and form, it is worth the time for you to check it out. Funny, witty, clever, everything that a good actual movie should be, without all the over the top Hollywood B.S. that accompanys so many of today's films.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Loss of Words

     I am not going to say a lot about what I am telling you about today. I do not have the words to do justice to those involved in the film I just finished. Terry Pratchett - Choosing To Die is a documentary following Author Terry Pratchett, as he explores the realities of medically assisted death. All I can say is watch it.

     Yes tears were running down my face.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

As I was Sitting Down For Lunch.....

     Today I took a break, and decided I would go out for lunch. A simple burger and fries, and inspiration set in as to what movie I would talk about today.
     Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, the story of two friends, who after indulging an a significant amount of marijuana, decide that the best place to quench their hunger is at Americas favorite slider shop.

     But in so many ways the movie is about so much more. Harold Lee (played by John Cho) is a mild mannered office worker. He is taken advantage of by his co-workers, under appreciated by his boss. Day in and day out, his routine only has one high point. His elevator ride with the girl of his dreams, Maria, who he doesn't have the courage to ask out.

     His roommate and best friend Kumar Patel (played by one of my favorite actors Kal Penn) is a medically brilliant, yet completely unmotivated, pot smoker. Where Harold is professional and career minded, Kumar only wants to live in the moment.

     After a rather hard day at work for Harold, as well as a rather um, well I don't know what day for Kumar, the pair relax with a little (and by little I mean lot) of marijuana. This brings out the ultimate question, what will they do to slake their intense and growing hunger. Almost like a message from God, a commercial for White Castle comes on the television, and the decision has been made. They MUST  go to White Castle. 
     Full of humor aimed at pot users, this movie is full of over the top jokes, drug references, and nudity.
Beyond all of that though, is a story of self discovery, as well as a coming of age story of sorts. There are cameos galore in this movie, including an amazing story arch involving Neal Patrick Harris, that in my humble opinion is unbelievably funny.

     I would recommend watching the unrated version of the movie, simply because they can get away with more of the dirty jokes than in the rated version, but either way, your are sure to get a good laugh. Come for the simple jokes, stay for the crazy adventure.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Being John Malcovich

     Seldom have I been so at a loss for words about a movie, that I have no clue how to describe it.

      Being john malcovich is the story of a puppet master, who after being forced to take a normal job, and I use that term loosely, discovers a portal that takes one inside of actor  John Malkovich himself.

     This is as far as I can go in my basic description of the movie, for quite simply, so much comes into play in the movie, that is difficult to put into words. Relationships are stressed, psyches are damaged, and everyone has their world are torn apart and put back together in ways they never imagined possible.

     The main question becomes, what becomes of you, when you become someone else. And what will you see, if you stop to look inside yourself.

     With twists and turns that give surprise, after surprise, this movie will definitely make you think. The down side, is that it is slow to build to the exciting parts. Worth a look for the curious nature of the film alone.

Starring: John Cusak, Cameron Diaz, Ned Bellamy, Catherine Keener, and of course John Malckovich.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Mindless Entertainment

     Every once in a while, a guy sits down, takes a drink of his beer, and decides to watch a movie with little more than guns, cussing, one liners and not much else.  I think I may have found the epitome of such films.

      When a man we eventually come to know only as Mr.Smith (Clive Owen), delivers a mysterious strangers baby in the middle of an epic gun battle, and finds himself caught protecting the newborn form a non stop onslaught of gun toting assassins.

     A full on blast of anything action, Shoot 'Em Up is a full blown, over the top assault on everything an action movie is and could be. From the first scene on, we are given, and I mean given, a non stop barrage of bullets, fighting and one liners that would make the manliest of men squeal in laughter.
one of the movies slower scenes
     We also have Paul Giamatti playing a role I swear he was born to play, as the near telepathically brilliant Hertz, who has been dispatched to find and kill the baby, Mr. Smith is protecting.
     Later we are introduced to the gorgeous Donna Quintanno (Monica Bellucci) who is a lactating prostitute, that Mr. Smith tries to hire to feed the baby, only to find that there is more beneath the surface to her, than her unique physical attributes.

     Worth a watch, and highly entertaining, if for no reason other than the fact that literally every aspect of this movie has bullets flying (including the love scene).


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Funny People

     Last night, sick as one could humanly be, I decided to let HBO guide my movie watching. I just so happened to come upon the movie Funny People, starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. I must be honest up front with this, even though they can be funny at times, I am not really a big fan of either.

     Andam Sandler tends to spend most of his movies yelling at the camera, and making ridiculous voices, and when it comes to Seth Rogen, I fail to see his mainstream appeal.  That being said, I did enjoy each of their performances in this movie.
     From the promotional material put out about this movie I expected a "this is how a struggling comedian makes it in the industry" kind of film. However, we are given the story of a wildly successful comedian, that has been given the news that he is very sick, and likely does not have long to live. This opens his eyes to what his life really is, beyond all the success. Having no true friends in this world, he takes a rather new and green (for lack of a better word) performer (played by Rogen) under his wing as his opening act, to try and cultivate one real friendship, before he dies.

     There are multiple stand up comedy breaks in the movie, with material by many, many comics from lesser knowns, recently popular, and a ton of cameos from actors, comic legends, as well as an appearance by rapper Eminiem, that was one of my absolute favorite scenes in the movie.

     I can say that I am truly glad to have watched this movie. Even if being sick was the only reason I did. I will be sitting down with my wife to watch it again, I think she will enjoy it also.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

An Oldie But A Goldie

     Today I take you back a bit. To a time when hair reigned supreme. A time when men were men, women were women, and Metal ruled.

     Rob Riener's epic mocumentary This Is Spinal Tap, introduces us to a heavy metal band (Spinal Tap), and takes us on a wild ride of everything metal.
      Rob Reiner himself stars as a film maker, following what used to be England's biggest and loudest rock band, now almost forgotten, embarking on a return tour in the United States. The bands three core members, Derek Smalls, Nigel Tunnel and David St.Hubbins (pictured left to right played by...respectively) introduce us to what a rockers life is all about.

     Everything you could possibly think a half insane rocker would do, these guys do to 11, even their guitar amps  go to 11, where lesser rockers only go to 10.
     With their legendary antics, rocking music, and outlandish persona's, Spinal Tap is the very definition of rock.
     Easily one of my favorite movies, in 2002, it was inducted into the Library of Congress to be preserved as having major artistic and cultural significance, and listed on the United States National Film Registry.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

An Interesting Feel

Today I take a look at a uniquely put together animated film entitled Iron Man Extremis.
This time around, we find our hero Tony Stark, head of Stark enterprises, facing of as Iron Man, against an evil villain named Malus, who has been given a highly experimental drug, known as Extremis.

 This drug transforms Malus into a being with untold power, possibly enough to defeat even the mighty Iron Man. With the very fate of our country at stake, how will Iron Man delete Malus? Also, is there more behind the release of this high powered terrorist than Tony Stark knows?

Billed as motion comic, this series brings a unique feel to animation. The look is almost as if someone brought the panels of a comic book to life, without pushing it as far as flat out making it a cartoon.  I really enjoyed this aspect. Story wise, I felt that was a little something to be desired  but overall it was quite enjoyable, really giving you the feeling as though you were somehow reading the comic at the same time as watching the series. Worth a look, I give it a 7 out of 10.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

And The Mystery Deepens

     As a Beatles fan, I decided to check out the documentary, Paul McCartney Really Is Dead The Last Testament of George Harrison. For lack of better words, my mind was blown. Based around one of musics biggest legends, and the rumor that surrounded them.

     The story goes as listed on official website for the movie found here.
dotIn the summer of 2005, a package arrived at the Hollywood offices of Highway 61 
Entertainment from London with no return address.

dotInside were two mini-cassette audio tapes dated December 30, 1999 and labeled

 The Last Testament of George Harrison.
dotA voice eerily similar to Harrison's tells a shocking story: Paul McCartney was killed
 in a car crash in November of 1966 and replaced with a double!

eBritish intelligence, MI5, had forced the Beatles to cover up McCartney's death to
prevent mass suicides of Beatle fans. However, the remaining Beatles tried to signal fans 
with clues on album covers and in songs.

     The movie is completely narrated from the tapes, and it brings an almost eerie feeling, 
and has the ability to really make question what you think you may know about what 
may be the biggest band in history. 

Black Dynamite

     Keeping on my parody/ comedy kick, I decided to check out the movie Black Dynamite, and i have never been this at a loss for words to describe a movie.
     What I can say is, ther was a lot of good and a LOT of bad to this movie. But from this point we will go with the basics.

     Adirect homage to movies such as Cleopatra Jones, The Legend Of Dolamite, and many others, Black Dynamite is the brotha among brothas. Every woman wants him, every man wants to be him. A retired millitary expert and former C.I.A. agent, Black Dynamite is a one man army determined to protect his community & clean up the streets.
     With layer upon layer of stereotypical 1970's and a film style that pulls off the feel of a old film, it gives you the feeling that you are inside an old drive in. But in my opinion, this is where it also fails.
      Most of the jokes in the movie are very predictable, except for the majopr plot twist, and the movie rely very heavily on bad cliche for most of the humor.
      The best part of the movie though, comes from the feel of the film. Truthfully, the feel of the old drive in is so real with this movie, that you can almost smell the popcorn. Also the grouping of well known African American actors was amazing. All roles were played to their fullest, but there was a lot left to be desired. Still worth a watch though.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A Guest Writer

 Today I am having a guest write a review for everyone, my 10 year old daughter. Hope you enjoy.

The Swan Princess  

Most girls like me would like this movie. This movie had adventure in it. Prince Derek has to save Princess Odette from a evil guy who has magic powers.

The movie was also about Princess Odette and Prince Derek starting to like each other. I thought this movie was neat, colorful, and adventuress. Kids should watch this movie, because this movie has a queen, a king, a prince, and princesses.  

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Day For Older (but not old) Comedy

     I decided today to watch a older movie that I enjoyed when I was a little bit younger. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, starring Keenan Ivory Wayans As Jack Spade, could be classified as a parody of the 1960's and 1970's exploitation films such as Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones, Shaft, and many others.
     With appearances by many famous faces, including music legend Isaac Hayes, famous American football player Jim Brown, and one of the first movie appearances of Chris Rock. in one of the funnies scenes in the movie
     The story of this movie has our hero, Jack Spade, returning home from a 10 year stint in the army, to find his brother had been murdered by gangsters (or gangstas if you will), after racking up a huge debt following his "gold fever"-an obsessive love of gold jewelry that has drivin him to do anything to aquire more gold chains.
      During his investigation into his brothers death, Spade uncovers an evil orginization, headed by Mr. Big, the leader of all organized crime. Discovering his new purpose in life, Jack must topple mr bigs orginization to save not only his town, but the love of his life.
     This is a wonderful movie for a ton of cheap laughs, and a great way to waste a little time in the evening.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Exit Through The Gift Shop

     I don't know what it has been lately, but i have run across a stream of great movies. I Just got finished watching a film that once again completely drew me in. Exit Through The Gift Shop is a film by one of the most famous graffiti artists of all time, an enigma of a man know only as Banksy.
     I went in to watching this, expecting it to be about Banksy and the sensation caused by his work. I was surprised to find that the film was actually more about the person who originally set out to film him instead. A unique insight in to the very heart of the street art counter culture, we get to hear the stories of a few of the street art giants around the world. 
We are introduced to space invader.
Shepard Fairey
Rope and Rancor
   As well as many others. Oscar nominated, and amazingly entertaining. this movie is the very definition of  worth watching.