A Holy Mision

    Today's offering is an action packed film, full of guns, comedy, and an unique mission taken on by two brothers.

     Taking place in a very Irish Boston neighborhood, the McManus brothers are two of a kind. Gruff, rough, don't take sh*t of of anyone, find themselves as saviors. When the mob comes to town and tries to take over. the brothers take it upon themselves to do whatever it takes to rid the world of them. Armed with faith that what they are doing is right, amazing luck, and a crap ton of bullets. 

     After taking down two Russian mob members, the brothers are tailed by the very talented, and openly gay FBI agent Paul Smecker. Smecker is part of the organized crime dept of the fbi, and has the ability to solve crimes simply by looking at subtle evidence at a crime scene. If the brother want to stay free this is not the guy they want on their tail.

     Interestingly enough though, Smecker seems to have interesting motives in figuring out who the vigilantes cleaning up the streets are.

     There are several well known cameos in this film, and its almost worth it for the "hey I know that guy" feeling you get watching the film. Good action. Great story. Worth watching more than once. And a prayer that is almost as addictive as the movie itself. (also Willem Defoe in drag is the funniest thing ever).

No F*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated

     Welcome back to another installment of No F*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated, the little section where we discuss why a movie had no right to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. And by we discuss- I mean I gripe.

     In the spirit of this weeks semi theme, today's offering is District 9. Nominated for best picture in 2010, this Faux Documentary, for lack of better terms, left much to be desired in my eyes. In all honesty, the dvd cover is probably the best part of the entire movie. 

     First the story of the movie, before I start into my rant. One day a rather gigantic alien craft enters earths atmosphere, and does nothing. After sitting for a while, the government cracks it open and finds a bunch of starving aliens inside. They take them to down to the planet, help them get back to health, and when the novelty of the newcomers wears off, all the aliens are rounded up and placed in a controlled ghetto area, not unlike than a concentration camp, headed up by the almost laughably named Multi-National United, a corporation that seems to exist only to control the alien population, without passing the guilt on to the average man.  

     One day a hidden lab is discovered in one of the aliens houses, and all basic shit breaks loose. a vial is discovered which the corporation goons assume is a weapon of some type, it opens and gets sprayed in the face of our john every man main character, and he starts slowly transforming into one of the extraterrestrials (I got bored with saying alien). Now he is dependent on the aliens to fix him, but his transformation gives him the ability to use their technology, so enter the government cover-up to imprison him and find a way to use their tech. this is as far as I will describe the movie, because I am actually boring myself thinking about it.

Mr. Protagonist and an alien discuss fondue, not really, but it would have been more interesting.

     Now time for me to start.

     1.) with the cover to the dvd/blu-ray disc, one gets the misleading feeling that the aliens have voluntarily set up a settlement on earth, and were establishing a basic point of "this is our damn spot stay the f-word out". This is however not the case, seems humans run rampant throughout the alien territory, and if this corporation gave a rats ass (or the governments for that matter), they would have kept the warlords and religious fanatic humans out, or gone in and pulled them out, being that they were STOCKPILING FREAKING ALIEN WEAPONS.

     2.) I don't really see a reason that the aliens couldn't have fixed their ship while they were in it, being as the only needed parts to fix it were in the trash in the camp. 

    3.) Being as the ship has been floating for MONTHS when we are brought into the movie, you mean to tell me they didn't have the power to send down a shuttle to get what they needed off the ground?

    4.) On a ship that big the aliens had only one emergency shuttle? For an advanced civilization, there engineering department seems to suck ass in the emergency planning phase.

    5.) A little trash juice in the face is all it took to make Mr. protagonist an alien hybrid. So in the entire time on the planet, no human has come in contact with alien trash juice?

    6.) One thing you might find interesting, a gigantic stockpile of alien weapons, is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN CAMP. So if the aliens wanted, equal treatment, freedom, or to squash the groups around them, taking advantage of them, all they had to do was snag a few of their weapons from the warlords in the middle of their damn camp and they would have been unstoppable. Thing is, two of them with weapons not only escaped from one of the most secure buildings in the country where they were, they took out  a WHOLE DAMN ARMY.

   

     There is a tremendous amount of other problems, but I wont go into it much further, because it only makes me wonder what the script writer, director, and producers were smoking, and can I get some. 

You may ask "Were there any good points to the movie?" The answer surprisingly is, yes. The special effects were great. Some of the best I have ever seen. The acting was above par, believable in every sense, and the characters made you feel the story. Also the ending was great. Don't misunderstand me. What I mean by that is, "The movie ended. Great, now I can go enjoy something."

     But I say cautiously, watching the movie was a very underwhelming experience. Special effects not included, there was nothing that really stood out. The story was a weak parallel of apartheid, and basically says that even when we know that we are not alone in the universe, humans will still be racist cockwads, even to a superior race that has the ability to wipe us out if they chose to do so.

Something Unique

     I have decided this week that I will focus on action movies. However I will be exploring a range of action movies.

     This of course brings me to today's movie......

    Cocolate (a Thai film directed by  Prachya Pinkaew) is about a young autistic girl named Zen, who has an uncanny reflexes, and the ability to copy any martial art she sees. 

     Zen is the daughter of Zin, a Thai mobster and former girlfriend of the mob boss, and a Japanese gangster named Masashi. Angered by their relationship the mob boss banishes Masashi to Japan, And forbids them to ever have contact again.  

                                               

     Soon after Zin moves to hide from the mob, finds out that she is pregnant with Masashis baby. Nine months later, Zen is born, and not long after, she is diagnosed as autistic. Zin writes a letter to contact Masashi a letter to let him know he has a daughter, the mob boss finds out, finds her and cuts off one of her toes to remind her she is not supposed to contact him. 

     As zen grows up, she starts exhibiting strange talents, a big heart, and the uncanny ability to copy any martial art she sees. The mother daughter pair wind up taking in a fat boy by the name of Moom, to watch over Zen.

     Later in life Mom Zin winds up with cancer, and needing money for chemotherapy, Moom takes Zen out as a street performer, using her amazing reflexes as a gimmick by throwing balls at her, and she will catch them no matter where they come from.

     One day by accident, Moom runs across a ledger of Mom Zin's, of people who owe her money, and he gets the idea to go collect it from them so that they can buy her chemo,  which turns out to be a much harder job than he thought, and Zin winds up becoming an enforcer, if by accident alone.

     The fight scenes in this movie are groundbreaking, visually stunning, and some of the flat out most entertaining things I have ever seen in my life. It is almost impossible not to connect with Zen, you want nothing more than for her to succeed, and you wind up rooting for her with everything you are. The story is wonderfully told, and I am afraid to say, that my synopsis does the film no justice. 

     Watch it for the action, enjoy it for the story, love it for the amazing choreography and edge of you seat fight scenes.(one of best of which is on the ledges of an Thailand apartment building). But most of all, watch it, because as action movies go, it is a great movie period.

     

Not Really A Movie

     Occasionally I run across something so life changing, so entertaining, so influential, that while it may not be an actual movie, its worth taking the time to watch. (see my review of Terry Pratchett Choosing To Die). this video however, is not one of those things. I saw it and laughed for 10 minutes straight. My youngest cant get enough of it. so here it is......in all its "glory".........GOING TO THE STORE

Another actual review due tomorrow.

The Biggest Grouping of Action Heros Ever

     Today's review is going to be short and sweet, not because I am being lazy, but because there is not much that I need to say about this movie.

     Not that this is a bad thing. The above picture says more about this movie than I ever could. Literally a multimedia orgasm of action, there are few moments that are not completely filled with bullets, knives, or fists flying. 

     Truth is that there was a little bit of depth missing in the story line, but I didn't watch this movie, expecting a cinematic novella.

I mean look at this lineup. They aren't here to do Shakespeare. 

     I will say there is one very short section of the movie, a cameo by a very well known actor (that I refuse to name due to the fact that it would seriously ruin the surprise) that is every guy that loves action movies wet dream.

     One area for improvement i think, would have been to develop the character relationship between Statham and Rourke a little more. they had a chemistry that was ignored for the most part.

     Watch it for the action. Watch it over and over again. Buy it its worth it.

     

A New Segment

     Today I am going to introduce a new segment I like to call.......

NoF*cking Way That Should Have Been Nominated

             

     First up is a gem of classic Disney animation that we all know as Beauty and The Beast. The reason I chose this as the flagship movie for this segment is the fact that in 1991 it received 6 Oscar nominations including best picture. Personally I think this should not have been the case. 

     While beautifully put together, well animated with a touching story, there were far to many what I consider mistakes in story line, plot, and resolutions to the story. This removes the possibility of a best picture award of any type in my eyes.

      And now, ta-da, the list of glaring problems.

     1.) Set in France during the early days of the kingdom, I find it interesting that no one in the country speaks with a french accent. That is right, no one, save a candlestick. It is also interesting that The Beast (who is the crown prince of France) does not have a french accent either. On another note, it seems a little funny to me that no one has any clue that the royal family lives in the big f*cking castle up the road.

     2)The story in the movie is about how The Beast must find true love before he turns twenty years old, when the final petal will drop from a magical rose, or he will die. This is due to the fact that 10 years earlier, an enchantress put a curse on him, because he would not let her into the palace during a storm. she viewed him as greedy and hard hearted, so she deemed this necessary. The boy was 10 yo. This woman cursed a 10 yo. A 10 yo was "greedy" in her eyes.

     3.) But that brings us to our next point WHY THE F*CK WAS THE 10 YO CROWN PRINCE OPENING THE DOOR ON A STORMY NIGHT? Where the f*ck were the king and queen? Where the f*ck were the palace guards? Did I mention he was 10?

     4.) There is more, but i will close off with this last MAJOR plot error.  Fact: all the furniture in the palace was formerly the servants of the palace. Now one very deep scene in the movie really lets us feel the anger and pure rage The Beast has inside, when Belle (the heroine) comes upon a room where the beast in a rage has destroyed furniture dishes curtains, you name it it was destroyed.

     Soooo... you may have an idea as to what i am hinting at, but you may still be wrong. When everyone has been turned back into humans, can you imagine the horrific bloody mess in that room. Arms and legs flayed about everywhere. Blood sprayed on all the walls. Anyone still surviving screaming in anguish as they bleed out. 

     Highly entertaining, well animated, wonderfully scored movie that my children have loved. Did i enjoy the movie? Yes. Did it deserve the best movie nomination? No.

I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today

     If you are like me, these words bring back fond memories. Reminds me of a time when movies were not so budget heavy. A time when you may find a small budget film to be as entertaining as a high dollar "blockbuster".

     Clerks is the story of a man by the name of Dante, your average joe, stuck in a rut. Same thing day in day out. We are introduced to him, passed out halfway in his closet, being woken up by his boss calling him into work on his day off. For me at least the laughs start there.

    Everything you could possibly imagine goes wrong right from the beginning for poor Dante, the shutters of the Quick Stop convenience store he works at are stuck closed. Insane customer after insane customer come in making his day horrible. The worst part is, this all happens not thirty minutes after he has been open. The one saving grace of his day, and I use that term loosely as possible, is his best friend Randal works (if that is what you want to call it) next door.

     I really don't want to ruin too much of this movie for you, but in every way shape and form, it is worth the time for you to check it out. Funny, witty, clever, everything that a good actual movie should be, without all the over the top Hollywood B.S. that accompanys so many of today's films.